BOOK NOTE: THE SCIENCE OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BY IAN TUHOVSKY

This is my personal note on “The Science of Effective Communication” by Ian Tuhovsky. It comprises of quotes from the book and paraphrased sentences as well.

It covers each chapter from the book. Nonetheless, I've skipped a few chapters that I don't find to be of much relevance to me.

THE BOOK IN THREE SENTENCES

Knowing how to communicate effectively with people is a skill everyone needs. Having such skill increases your confidence, and enables you to thrive as a person. It's a skill that anyone can learn, even the most socially awkward person.

Introduction: Why Outstanding Conversation Skills Will Change Your Life.

•Your success in life is largely dependent on how good your communication skills is.

•Having better communication skills will help you in building effective relationships with people. It also makes you feel better about yourself.

•There's no correlation between being a genius and lacking effective communication skills. 

•Only when you know how to share your views without irritating others, and understand when you need to bite your tongue when necessary can you hope to build good relationships.

PART I: LAYING THE GROUNDWORK

Chapter 1: Listening — The Most Fundamental Of All Conversation Skills

•Communicating effectively isn't just about knowing what to say, it's also about knowing when to say it.

•While conversing with people, most of us don't listen. We act as though we are listening when our preset is just to reply the person and move on.

•When we listen, we engage in critical versus empathetic listening, reductive versus expansive listening, and active versus passive listening.

•When you listen from a critical position, you are analyzing the facts behind a situation.

•Empathetic listening is the art of honoring feelings over bare facts.

•When you listen to someone with the aim of getting the basic points as quick as you can, that's reductive listening.

•You engage in expansive listening when a speaker doesn't know exactly what he wants to say. Thus, you get to patiently listen and wait for the speaker to think through his ideas as he speaks to you.

•Active listening involves consciously making an effort to understand what the other person is saying and reacting in an encouraging manner.

•Listening with the aim of taking some of the information in, but you aren't too concerned about hearing or fully understanding the infomation is known as passive listening.

•If you start to view every conversation partner as a potential teacher, your social interaction will become much more enjoyable.

Chapter 2: Turning Up — How To Make Your Voice More Attractive

•Along with your face, your voice is one of your most noticeable characteristics.

•Aim to develop your voice so that it is always audible, clear and easy to understand.

•The ideal voice reflects the speaker's personality.

•People with the most attractive voice enunciate words clearly.

•Breathe well and keep your tongue and lips relaxed in order to enunciate words clearly.

•The most authoritative speakers breathe from their diaphragms, not their throats.

•You absolutely must learn how to vary your voice if you want other people to find you engaging.

•If you are talking to someone and they aren't reacting to you in the way you would expect, evaluate your intonation.

Chapter 3: Why You Should Take A Digital Detox — The Power Of Face-To-Face Interaction

•If you tend to derive most of your social interaction from the internet, you are teaching yourself to be lazy.

•The more uncomfortable the thought of a digital detox makes you feel, the more urgently you need to take a social media holiday.

•When you have a proper conversation, you have to think about what you are saying, as you are saying it. 

•You don't have to forsake social media altogether, but if you want to develop your conversation skills, consider logging on a little less often and focus more in having face-to-face conversations.

Chapter 4: How To Stop Fearing Judgement

•Most people struggle not only with difficulty in finding the right words in a conversation, but they are also terrified of being judged.

•Building your self-confidence will help in easing your fear of being judged by people.

•Don't fake it till you make it. If you pretend to be what you're not, sooner or later, people will be able to see through the fakeness.

•Good communication, just like a good relationship, is rooted in authenticity.

•If you are always worrying about whether other people are judging you, you're self obsessed. Stop making everything about you.

•If you're talking to someone and feel as though they might be judging you, challenge yourself to learn more about them.

Chapter 5: Using Empathy In Conversation

•Empathy is the ability to enter into someone else's frame of reference.

•When you work from the assumption that the other person is at heart a good, rational individual with the capacity for change, you are likely to show them true acceptance and react in an empathetic manner.

•When you create a safe space for someone, there's every chance that they will share their deepest personal secrets with you.

•People do not always open up because they want or need someone to tell them what to do. Often, they open up because they feel the need to be heard.

•Never forget that your own well-being is just as important as that of anyone else.

Chapter 6: How To Let Go — Why You Don't Need To Share All Your Ideas

What Goes Through Your Head When Someone Else Is Speaking?

1. The desire to express total agreement:

Well, it's important to note that expressing such is only appropriate in the right context. There's no value in barging into a conversation just to explain why you think the speaker is completely correct in everything that they say.

2. They desire to express total disagreement:

If someone makes a point that goes against what we believe in, our default setting is to tell the person how wrong he/she is. Well, this is not a good approach, but that doesn't stop up from wanting to do that.

3. The desire to correct the speaker on a trivial point:

This is not good. The person you're conversing with will see you as a pedant. It doesn't matter if you want to help—keep quiet. Learn to ignore the urge to always make minor corrections. 

4. The desire to sling a well-timed insult or cutting remark:

If you are the type that loves banter, you need to remember that the speaker's right to have their say is more important than your right to flaunt your excellent sense of humor.

5. The desire to ask a question about a topic, even though the speaker has moved on:

If you intend to learn from a speaker, definitely you'll have questions as the conversation takes place. By the time you have formulated a great question, the speaker must have probably started talking about something else. The best thing to do is to note the question down. Forcing a speaker to return to ground what they have covered will break their mental flow. It's not fun being interrupted in this manner. You wouldn't want it if someone does it to you.

6. The desire to make helpful practical suggestions as to how the speaker could solve a problem:

The key lesson here is don't give unsolicited advice. If you intend to do that, wait until the speaker is done speaking, then ask whether the speaker would love to hear your opinion, and then present your thoughts in a succinct manner if appropriate.

•Knowing when to stay quiet is partly a matter of maturity:

•As you get older, you start to realize that sometimes, it really is best to keep schtum.

•You can be assured that when you divulge someone's secret, it will come back to bite you.

•You don't need to talk all the time— it's fine to have a pause here and there!

•Knowing when to keep your mouth shut is one of the key skills you must master in order to build great relationships.

•Unless the situation is life or death, err on the side of caution. Don't risk your reputation and relationships for the sake of a few pieces of gossip.

•If you're talking to someone and you're about to give away a highly personal piece of information concerning someone else, ask yourself:

1. Why am I so keen to share this piece of information about right now?

2.What might happen if this person passes it on?

3. Do I even know whether this information is true?

4. What positive or uplifting messages could I pass on instead?

Chapter 7: Conversations That Revive Relationships

Whether your argument was two weeks or two decades ago, follow these steps:

1. Check your attitude: The key question is this: Are you willing to value their friendship over your need to be right? Only when the answer is, “Yes, definitely,” should you try to repair the the friendship.

2. Set up a call or meeting with an “I've realized” email stating the realizations you made while you two were apart and why you're getting back in touch.

3. Meet up and talk. If either of you need to clear the air, raise the issue early in the conversation. 

•Such conversation requires strong listening and conflict resolution skills. Remember, your aim is not to win but to have a constructive talk that allows both of you to feel heard. Nonetheless, if their interpretation of events upsets you, tell yourself that at least you know where you stand. It's your chance to either walk away, or to rekindle the relationship under a new set of terms and conditions.

When talking to someone who hasn't been in your life for a long time, follow these steps:

1. Acknowledge that it's been a long time since you last spoke.

2. Harness nostalgia.

3. Ask about mutual contacts and old acquaintances.

4. Talk about dreams and goals. However, asking, “So, did you achieve X?” can be awkward if they have failed to achieve a goal. A subtler approach is to ask them about their hopes and dreams for the future.

5. Move to the present tense: If you want to be a part of their life as it currently stands, ask them about it!

6. Close with a concrete suggestion or invitation: If you want to keep the friendship alight, end the conversation by inviting them to an event or arranging another catch up session.

How To Maintain A Long Distance Relationship:

You can do that by using the Maintenance Behavior Model. This model is backed up by research (of course, you should Google that) that shows the best long distance relationships are those that incorporate seven different types of maintenance behaviours.

1. Assurances: Never assume your partner knows how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you enjoy being with them, and assure that you're grateful your relationship is still intact.

2. Openness: Well, this means you should be open with your partner. 

3. Conflict management: If you have a relationship problem and you live far apart, make it a rule that you will only resolve your differences on a video call, not via text messages or the phone. Text and even phone calls can hide your true intentions, which can lead to conflicts going unresolved.

4. Sharing tasks and activities: If you are far apart, the traditional approach won't work. Instead, find some online substitutes. You could play game together online, stream the same movie together, and even eat your meals together while keeping your webcams on.

5. Positivity: Learn to be positive every now and then. Try to tell your partner the positive impact your partner has made in your life.

6. Giving advice: Sharing problems and sharing advice can go some way to compensate for the distance gap. It will help both people feel more involved in each others offline lives.

•Choose video calling or the phone instead of emails and texts if possible, because this will make your conversations feel more intimate.

•If you start to feel as though your relationship is somewhat lacking, refer back to this model.

Chapter 8: Do You Feel “Different?” How To Overcome Outsider Syndrome

Perhaps you've ever found yourself in a social situation that left you feeling awkward or even made you feel like an outsider.

If that sounds like you, you need to learn small talk. And, if you think small talk is banal and pointless, you're missing a trick.

What is small talk?

•Think of small talk as a means of harmonizing with another person.

How can you hold small talks? Here are some tips:

•Make a point of reading widely, so that you are able to jump into conversations on many different topics.

•When talking to people you don't know, never exclaim that you find a particular subject to be trivial or stupid.

•If you don't have the background knowledge necessary to take part in a conversation, get curious.

•Intervene indirectly. If you are feeling bold, wait for a natural lull in the conversation and then simply establish yourself as a participant.

•One of  the quickest ways to build rapport and lay the foundations for a relationship is to not only share a joke, but to establish a shared frame of reference.

•If you are talking to someone you'd like to get to know, set up a conversation starter you can use later.

•If you want to get acquainted with a group at work, look for the leader.

•If your attempts to get to know someone get thrown back in your face, perhaps with an intimidation or even bullying, stop with the masochism. Don't waste your valuable time on people who don't deserve it.

Chapter 9: Avoiding Excessive Negativity In Your Social Interactions

Negative Conversation Habits You Need To Break:

1. Starting every conversation with a complaint.

2. Interjecting with a negative opinion for no good reason.

3. Giving pessimistic predictions that aren't based on solid evidence.

4. Pedantry.

5. Not taking due cognizance of the nature of the people you're Interacting with.

6. Making a conversation to be all about yourself: Truth is, it makes you sound like a narcissist. By all means share your experiences if you get the chance, but never try to outdo your conversation partner. You'll be like a jerk, and who wants to be known as a show-off?

7. Oversharing, or telling people too much about your problems: Fact  is, letting all the skeletons out of a closet at the very start of a relationship creates a false sense of intimacy.

8. Questioning someone else's life choices.

9. Allowing a negative conversation to continue for too long.

10. Reminiscing about the good old days with someone who is going through a rough patch.

11. Failing to keep your body language positive.

Chapters 10: The Ethical Conversationalist — Getting Your Views Across & Needs Met Without Harming Others

Okay, I didn't take notes on this hapter. I didn't find it pretty much useful.

PART II: CONVERSATION SKILLS

Chapter 11: How To Use The FORD Method To Keep Any Conversation Alive

•People love talking about themselves. And the best strategy to help you with that is FORD.

•When you want to engage people in a conversation, consider streamlining the discussions to center on Family, Occupation, Recreation, and the person's Dreams.

This approach will make the person talk more, and guess what? People love talking about themselves. Nonetheless, don't ask ridiculous questions that'll make people uncomfortable. Be sensible.

Bonus Topics For Conversation:

1. Current affairs.

2. Pets.

3. Your surroundings.

4. Hypothetical questions.

On the whole, spotting opportunities for topics is a skill that comes with practice. Over time, it'll become second nature. You need never worry about running out of things to say ever again.

Chapter 12: The Art Of The Compliment

•A good compliment can leave someone smiling for hours.

•If you want to be a great conversationalist, you need to learn how to give and receive compliments with grace and style.

What Do The Best Compliments Have In Common?

1. They are sincere.

2. They are given at the right moment.

3. They should be specific.

4. They are not given just to make the giver look good. 

5. They usually focus primarily on character traits and actions, rather than appearance. Nonetheless, there are exceptions to this rule. For example, when interacting with your girlfriend or someone you want remind of how attractive you find them.

Types Of Compliments:

1. The Indirect Compliments:

Direct compliment: “You're so smart.”

Indirect compliment: “I don't get the points the author is making in this article, but you probably will. Could you help make sense of it?”

2. Include A Question:

Have you ever given someone a compliment, only to be met with an awkward silence? Here's a simple trick to get you through: all you have to do is to deliver the compliment, then follow it up immediately with a question.

For example, “You are so good at drawing!” is a nice compliment. However, “You are so good at drawing, how did you learn?” is better, because it provides you with a bridge to other topics of conversation.

How To Accept A Compliment

•When someone gives you a compliment, always accept it graciously. Resisting a sincere compliment is rude.

•When someone praises you, they are essentially saying, “I have made this judgement, and I want to share my opinion.” If you knock them back, you are implying that you doubt their ability to assess a situation and devise their own opinion.

•The best response is warm, “Thank you, that's really nice of you,” accompanied by a smile.

Chapter 13: How To Ask Excellent Questions

•Asking the right questions is a skill that will make a difference in every area of your life.

•Being able to answer questions shows that you're educated and knowledgeable, but knowing how to ask them is the mark of good judgement and a willingness to learn.

Social Questions — Striking Up Rapport & Moving Beyond Small Talk

•People who talk only about themselves are seen as rude and boring.

•Asking questions is the best way of switching the spotlight onto your conversation partner.

•If you've ever overheard a conversation between two people that was based on thoughtful questions, you'll know that they can soon turn complete strangers into two individuals on the fast track to friendship.

•Share something about yourself before asking a personal question helps in building rapport.

•In order to ask questions that'll elicit factual information, keep your objective at the forefront of your mind, as this will guide you during the conversation.

•Before asking a question, make sure you've exhausted all the obvious avenues first. It only takes a few seconds to use Google, after all.

•If you get the impression that someone thinks you have wasted their time, ask them what you could do to help yourself in the future.

When it comes to actually formulating your question, bear in mind the following points:

1. Start with the basics if you need clarification.

2. Ask only one question at a time, and do so logically.

3. If it's a complex question, let them know from the outset.

4. Know the right time to interrupt. Do so politely.

5. Don't get nervous if they pause for thought.

6. Do not lead someone down a particular path. If you want to know what someone really thinks, avoid asking leading questions. Leading questions are those that encourage someone to answer in a particular way.

7. Try another approach if the first doesn't work: we all have our own quirks and preferences when it comes to asking and answering questions. For example, some dislike direct questions. Always think of a different way to phrase a question if you hit a wall. Yes, you can also use humor too if there's need to.

Using Questions To Change Someone's Mind

•Questions aren't just for obtaining information. It's a critical tool that can be used in making people considering alternative points of view.

•When trying to change someone's mind, a logical argument doesn't often work. There's a better chance if you ask well-chosen, open-ended questions that let a person to challenge their opinions.

•We tend to approve of an idea or suggestion if we thought of t first — or at least, if we think we thought of it first.

•Encouraging someone to change their worldview often yield better results than trying to railroad them into accepting your opinion as a fact.

•Asking a chain of well-chosen questions gets someone to look at their views from multiple angles, which might trigger fresher insights. This is pretty much what therapists do.

•When you ask someone whether they can do something, they immediately start to assess their own capabilities. There's a better chance of getting what you want if you substitute can for would.

Chapter 14: How To Handle Heated Discussions

•Arguments and heated discussions are inevitable unless you take a completely passive approach in every area of your life.

Here are some tricks:

1. Stop fearing anger as an emotion: Anger is a normal human emotion. It's an emotion that shows us we are not comfortable with something that's happening. Well, the problem isn't the feeling, but how it's expressed.

2. Let the other party know exactly what you want: The point is, make it clear that you aren't looking for fight for the sake of it, but rather that you are attempting to solve a problem.

3. Whatever you say, say it at your usual value: If you speak in a loud tone, this signals that you are physically aroused and ready for a fight. Keep your voice steady instead. If someone yells at you, a better tactic is to remain silent untill they have finished spekaing (or shouting). Tell them, “If you talk over me, I'm going to stop engaging with you, because it's pointless for us to both talk at the same time.”

4. Know when to keep quiet: When people are angry and they are ranting at you, give them a few minutes to get their rage out of  their system. Trying to interrupt someone who is on a verbal rampage is like trying to stop a rhino from charging.

5. Stick to the issue at hand: Never assume that the other party has good communication skills. People with such poor skills tend to drag up the last when they fight. This is known as stockpiling. Your job is to always redirect the argument to the issue at hand and not some past event that's of no significance.

6. Do not try to feign indifference: Acting as though you aren't too bothered by the issue at hand is another quick way to make someone angry and upset.

7. If you find yourself in an argument with someone who is just provoking you for the sake of it, it's time to call a time out.

8. Do not tolerate verbal abuse.

How To Handle An Insult

1. See the insult as an opportunity to impress anyone who happens to be watching.

How To Apologize

1.Show that you understand how the other person feels.

2.Give an explanation, not an excuse. Look at the example below:

Excuse-based apology: Sorry, “I know I said I'd call, but I was busy.”

Explanation-based apology: “Sorry, I know I said I'd call. I've been very busy at home and I had to stay late. However, I know I should have sent you a text or email instead, and I'm sorry that I didn't get in touch to let you know what was happening.”

3. Tell them what you are doing to make amends, and what preventative measures you plan to take.

4. Don't demand that the other person must accept your apology.

Chapter 15: How To Persuade Someone Of Your Opinion

•When you are dealing with a human being, logic and reason isn't enough. You also need to be aware of how to tap into their emotions.

•Before you think of how you plan to present your points in a logical manner, you need to understand how the average person processes information.

Father of persuasion research, Robert Cialdini, pointed out four factors that are key in determining the success of an argument: authority, likability, reciprocity, and consensus.

•Authority: Make it clear why you are qualified to talk about the issue.

•Likeability: Psychologists have established that, in general, physically attractive sources are more persuasive than unattractive people. Also, by applying all you've learned from previous chapters, you can be likeable.

•Reciprocity: Do something nice to people, they'll feel indebted to you. Nonetheless, don't use this means for devious purposes.

•Consensus: Humans tend to talk back on a set of default rules when making decisions. This is not as heuristics. An example of such is, “if  lots of people believe that something is true, it probably is.” You can take advantage of this heuristic by telling someone that lots of other people have already adopted a particular opinion.

How To Lay Out An Argument

1. State why the issue is relevant to the person you intend to persuade.

2. Let people know of your stand, and do so early.

3. Establish your credibility/authority.

4. Use specific statistics.

5. Draw on case studies.

6. Acknowledge the listener's counter-arguments

Chapter 16: How To Make A Complaint With Grace.

Okay, I didn't take notes on this chapter too. It appears that the ideas in the chapter are not that alien to my understanding.

Do note that I also skipped chapter 17 to 21.

Conclusion:

•In improving your conversation skills, you'll also improve your cognitive power.

•Self-development, combined with lots of practice, is enough to make most people into capable conversationalists.