#19: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LOVE?
Love.
It's this mutual feeling we share with the opposite gender.
This feeling of tenderness, affection and care. Love is finding that significant other whom makes you happy. One who will accept your flaws and appreciate you for who you are. One who will love you to the moon and back.
But before we get all that lovey-dovey, let's set things straight.
See, inasmuch as love is a wonderful feeling that can keep us elevated in cloud nine, I just have to burst your bubble by letting you know that love is not just centred around our feelings.
Love is beyond saying the words I LOVE YOU.
To love and to feel loved comes with lots of responsibilities. It's not the regular talk-talk kind of thing.
It requires certain factors in place if you truly don't want your love life to end like a story in some random novel that no one actually gives a damn about.
One thing you need to know is that love is not the solution to your problems.
If you have a problem in your life, address it. If you have any challenge before you, face it. Love is not the solution to your problems.
If you think that love is the solution to your problems, then you're opting in for a short term fix with a long-term consequence.
Your problems are different. Love is also different.
Don't go finding a significant other as though the person has some magical dust that if sprayed on you will make your problems vanish in the twinkle of an eye.
Hell no, don't do that.
If you have low self esteem, find a way to address that. If you're broke or financially unstable, set up a business.
Don't go looking for love with the aim of finding financial stability. Your significant other is not a cash dispensing machine.
If you have anger issues, don't say you'll find a lover and then you'll overnight become good at managing your emotions.
That's a fucking mess. Solve your problems before getting into a relationship.
Fine-tune yourself.
Don't become a liability to someone in the name of love when the main objective of love is to find someone who'll complement you, and not, someone who'll be wrapped up in an emotional quagmire all because you thought love is the solution to your problems.
So what's up? What's actually the in depth meaning of this love I've been telling you about?
Well, the meaning of love is beyond the words I love you as I said earlier. It encompasses:
1. Answering the Compatibility Question:
If you find someone you love, you have to ask yourself if at all you two can withstand each other in terms of who you are as a person and in terms of who that person is.
Yes, you can fall in love with someone, however, that doesn't mean you two are fit for each other.
Just because something feels good doesn't mean that thing is good. That said, just because you feel so happy being with someone, it doesn't mean that person is good for you.
You have to answer the compatibility question if at all you want to start something that's not going to end as a mess.
Ask yourself questions like:
•Do we share similar values?
•Does he/she fit into the kind of life I live?
•Am I okay with his/her attitude? If yes, can I withstand his/her inadequacies?
A lot comes into play when thinking through such questions. In fact, the questions above are just a few picked from numerous others when it comes to answering the compatibility question.
Inasmuch as you might want to ignore answering such questions when faced with daring circumstances—such as being in love with someone who in no way fits into the kind of life you live, just don't.
Try as much as possible to think through things and understand if at all there's any compatibility between the two of you.
If there isn't, walk away. However, if you don't intend to walk away, be prepared to bear the effects of your actions in the long term.
2. Taking Responsiblity for Your Actions:
In order to love someone you need to be mature enough in handling a couple of things—your emotions, your thoughts, the words that come out of your mouth and your reactions to certain occurences, just to name a few.
Words can cut deeper than a sword. Your actions can also break someone's heart without you even knowing. Don't be a mindless clusterfuck. Learn to control your actions and take responsibility of them
Peradventure you mess up with or without knowing, learn to take responsibility by apologizing and setting things in place.
That's one sure way to not screwing up your love life.
3. Falling in Love with Yourself Before Falling in Love with Someone:
Okay.
That sounds awkward. But hey, it's the gospel truth. Besides, how can you love someone without loving yourself first? Most people think of it the wrong way.
That is, if they find someone who'll love them, they'll feel loved. Inasmuch as I can't outrightly say that's absolutely wrong, just don't do that.
Hell no! That's a flawed perspective.
You need to love yourself. Appreciate yourself for who you are. And if you aren't okay with who you are, you should improve on yourself and...find a way to start loving yourself.
Doing so will grant you the ability to show love and care to someone whom you love.
Besides, if you don't love yourself how exactly are you going to love someone?
There's this part of me that feels this love we are talking about needs to come from within. And to do so, one needs to start by learning how to love himself/herself.
4. Being Commited and Honest:
This is where problems usually set in. One single person will want to date countless girls/boys. It doesn't makes sense. If you want a stable love life, be committed and honest to the person you love.
Free yourself from always asking out anything you see on skirt. Save yourself the drama of multiple girls/boys fighting over you and you wasting your time on such.
Yes, save yourself. That's how gentlemen do things except you're a descendant of the “marlian geng”.
For God's sake, you're not an animal. Don't go about chasing every girl/boy as cocks do chase hens.
Whenever you want to do so, take a chill pill, relax, and remind yourself not to work down that path—honesty is a great virtue. And believe me when I say what you do is what you get.
Just as Isaac Newton stated in his third law of motion, “to every action there's an equal an opposite reaction,” so shall it be with your love life when you decide to be honest/dishonest and committed/uncommitted.
5. Be a Considerate Individual:
To err is human. To love is to be considerate—in the sense that you'll always try to put yourself in your partner's shoes when evaluating misunderstandings or anything of such.
In fact, love is finding the person who can take all the shit about you. Someone who is willing and ever ready to manage your inadequacies.
That said, you need to be easy to reason with.
You need to have empathy as the crux of your understanding of what a relationship is.
Otherwise, inconsiderable consequences might follow afterwards.
6. Be a Good Listener:
There's need for most people to learn how to talk.
Don't even think I'm kidding when I said that. I'm telling you this because my interactions with many people shows that inasmuch as talking is something we've been doing right from time immemorial, most of us still suck at it.
Some people have no clue on effective communication. They express their ideas without sifting through their words and the manner of expression.
To them, they are right. To their partners and other people, they are annoying.
Only a few number of people are good at expressing their ideas effectively. And guess what? The ones good at it relentlessly worked hard to be good at it. It's no movie magic.
See, to love is to be a good listener. To love is to know how to express your feelings and thoughts explicitly to your partner.
This can only be achieved by active listening.
Arlin Cuncic in an article he wrote on active listening said that “active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way.
“When you practice active listening, you make the other person feel heard and valued. In this way, active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation.”
If active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation, I can therefore say having a good conversation that resonates with you and your loved one is the crux of every successful relationship.
7. Being Available to Your Partner:
The value of time cannot be overstated. If you love someone, you need to give them your time. You need to shower them with love and attention.
Not having time for your partner is one sure way to place your relationship on a ticking time bomb because sooner or later, it'll explode and there'll be nothing left for both of you.
Your partner needs you. Your partner needs your support. You can't be on today and off tomorrow. Your relationship is not like a switch that you can turn on and off anytime you feel like.
I know sometimes things can be so overwhelming and creating a work-life balance isn't easy. Nonetheless, you must make efforts to create time for your partner.
It's a responsibility upon you. Don't see it as a voluntary thing. Being available to your partner comes with the terms and conditions of every relationship.
So get used to it.
8. Being Patient
You need patience in order to love someone. Without patience, that relationship is going nowhere.
Even in normal day-to-day activities, we try to be patient with people because if we decide to get angry at the slightest provocation, we'll end up messing up our lives in indefinite proportions. That's why in a relationship you need patience.
You don't expect to have a problem-free relationship. In fact, misunderstandings can sometimes lead to a better understanding of your partner. And to do so, you need patience.
Not every situation requires a reprisal. Be patient. However, know when to react by being the opposite of patient. And when the situation you are in warrants that, do so within reasonable limits.
Thus, love is not just saying the words I love you. In order to love someone, it encompasses all the aforesaid amongst many others (which I'm yet to discover).
I'd like to end this post with a quote by Shane Parrish which he noted that, “If you want an amazing relationship with your partner, be an amazing partner”.
N.B. Perhaps you are wondering what someone who's in his early 20s know about love. Perhaps you've concluded that I'm not qualified to write on such topic. Who knows? I'm just trying to imagine what you're thinking right? Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I write because I have something to share with you. I know that I'm still young and I'm experiencing a lot of things. The most important part of it is that I'm sharing my experiences, thoughts and ideas with you so that we can all live a better life. As I'm doing so, I'm also learning a lot. So,the question is not whether I'm young to write on this topic or not. The question is, have I added value to you after reading this? Because as far as I am concerned that's what matters most.
It's this mutual feeling we share with the opposite gender.
This feeling of tenderness, affection and care. Love is finding that significant other whom makes you happy. One who will accept your flaws and appreciate you for who you are. One who will love you to the moon and back.
But before we get all that lovey-dovey, let's set things straight.
See, inasmuch as love is a wonderful feeling that can keep us elevated in cloud nine, I just have to burst your bubble by letting you know that love is not just centred around our feelings.
Love is beyond saying the words I LOVE YOU.
To love and to feel loved comes with lots of responsibilities. It's not the regular talk-talk kind of thing.
It requires certain factors in place if you truly don't want your love life to end like a story in some random novel that no one actually gives a damn about.
One thing you need to know is that love is not the solution to your problems.
If you have a problem in your life, address it. If you have any challenge before you, face it. Love is not the solution to your problems.
If you think that love is the solution to your problems, then you're opting in for a short term fix with a long-term consequence.
Your problems are different. Love is also different.
Don't go finding a significant other as though the person has some magical dust that if sprayed on you will make your problems vanish in the twinkle of an eye.
Hell no, don't do that.
If you have low self esteem, find a way to address that. If you're broke or financially unstable, set up a business.
Don't go looking for love with the aim of finding financial stability. Your significant other is not a cash dispensing machine.
If you have anger issues, don't say you'll find a lover and then you'll overnight become good at managing your emotions.
That's a fucking mess. Solve your problems before getting into a relationship.
Fine-tune yourself.
Don't become a liability to someone in the name of love when the main objective of love is to find someone who'll complement you, and not, someone who'll be wrapped up in an emotional quagmire all because you thought love is the solution to your problems.
So what's up? What's actually the in depth meaning of this love I've been telling you about?
Well, the meaning of love is beyond the words I love you as I said earlier. It encompasses:
1. Answering the Compatibility Question:
If you find someone you love, you have to ask yourself if at all you two can withstand each other in terms of who you are as a person and in terms of who that person is.
Yes, you can fall in love with someone, however, that doesn't mean you two are fit for each other.
Just because something feels good doesn't mean that thing is good. That said, just because you feel so happy being with someone, it doesn't mean that person is good for you.
You have to answer the compatibility question if at all you want to start something that's not going to end as a mess.
Ask yourself questions like:
•Do we share similar values?
•Does he/she fit into the kind of life I live?
•Am I okay with his/her attitude? If yes, can I withstand his/her inadequacies?
A lot comes into play when thinking through such questions. In fact, the questions above are just a few picked from numerous others when it comes to answering the compatibility question.
Inasmuch as you might want to ignore answering such questions when faced with daring circumstances—such as being in love with someone who in no way fits into the kind of life you live, just don't.
Try as much as possible to think through things and understand if at all there's any compatibility between the two of you.
If there isn't, walk away. However, if you don't intend to walk away, be prepared to bear the effects of your actions in the long term.
2. Taking Responsiblity for Your Actions:
In order to love someone you need to be mature enough in handling a couple of things—your emotions, your thoughts, the words that come out of your mouth and your reactions to certain occurences, just to name a few.
Words can cut deeper than a sword. Your actions can also break someone's heart without you even knowing. Don't be a mindless clusterfuck. Learn to control your actions and take responsibility of them
Peradventure you mess up with or without knowing, learn to take responsibility by apologizing and setting things in place.
That's one sure way to not screwing up your love life.
3. Falling in Love with Yourself Before Falling in Love with Someone:
Okay.
That sounds awkward. But hey, it's the gospel truth. Besides, how can you love someone without loving yourself first? Most people think of it the wrong way.
That is, if they find someone who'll love them, they'll feel loved. Inasmuch as I can't outrightly say that's absolutely wrong, just don't do that.
Hell no! That's a flawed perspective.
You need to love yourself. Appreciate yourself for who you are. And if you aren't okay with who you are, you should improve on yourself and...find a way to start loving yourself.
Doing so will grant you the ability to show love and care to someone whom you love.
Besides, if you don't love yourself how exactly are you going to love someone?
There's this part of me that feels this love we are talking about needs to come from within. And to do so, one needs to start by learning how to love himself/herself.
4. Being Commited and Honest:
This is where problems usually set in. One single person will want to date countless girls/boys. It doesn't makes sense. If you want a stable love life, be committed and honest to the person you love.
Free yourself from always asking out anything you see on skirt. Save yourself the drama of multiple girls/boys fighting over you and you wasting your time on such.
Yes, save yourself. That's how gentlemen do things except you're a descendant of the “marlian geng”.
For God's sake, you're not an animal. Don't go about chasing every girl/boy as cocks do chase hens.
Whenever you want to do so, take a chill pill, relax, and remind yourself not to work down that path—honesty is a great virtue. And believe me when I say what you do is what you get.
Just as Isaac Newton stated in his third law of motion, “to every action there's an equal an opposite reaction,” so shall it be with your love life when you decide to be honest/dishonest and committed/uncommitted.
5. Be a Considerate Individual:
To err is human. To love is to be considerate—in the sense that you'll always try to put yourself in your partner's shoes when evaluating misunderstandings or anything of such.
In fact, love is finding the person who can take all the shit about you. Someone who is willing and ever ready to manage your inadequacies.
That said, you need to be easy to reason with.
You need to have empathy as the crux of your understanding of what a relationship is.
Otherwise, inconsiderable consequences might follow afterwards.
6. Be a Good Listener:
There's need for most people to learn how to talk.
Don't even think I'm kidding when I said that. I'm telling you this because my interactions with many people shows that inasmuch as talking is something we've been doing right from time immemorial, most of us still suck at it.
Some people have no clue on effective communication. They express their ideas without sifting through their words and the manner of expression.
To them, they are right. To their partners and other people, they are annoying.
Only a few number of people are good at expressing their ideas effectively. And guess what? The ones good at it relentlessly worked hard to be good at it. It's no movie magic.
See, to love is to be a good listener. To love is to know how to express your feelings and thoughts explicitly to your partner.
This can only be achieved by active listening.
Arlin Cuncic in an article he wrote on active listening said that “active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way.
“When you practice active listening, you make the other person feel heard and valued. In this way, active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation.”
If active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation, I can therefore say having a good conversation that resonates with you and your loved one is the crux of every successful relationship.
7. Being Available to Your Partner:
The value of time cannot be overstated. If you love someone, you need to give them your time. You need to shower them with love and attention.
Not having time for your partner is one sure way to place your relationship on a ticking time bomb because sooner or later, it'll explode and there'll be nothing left for both of you.
Your partner needs you. Your partner needs your support. You can't be on today and off tomorrow. Your relationship is not like a switch that you can turn on and off anytime you feel like.
I know sometimes things can be so overwhelming and creating a work-life balance isn't easy. Nonetheless, you must make efforts to create time for your partner.
It's a responsibility upon you. Don't see it as a voluntary thing. Being available to your partner comes with the terms and conditions of every relationship.
So get used to it.
8. Being Patient
You need patience in order to love someone. Without patience, that relationship is going nowhere.
Even in normal day-to-day activities, we try to be patient with people because if we decide to get angry at the slightest provocation, we'll end up messing up our lives in indefinite proportions. That's why in a relationship you need patience.
You don't expect to have a problem-free relationship. In fact, misunderstandings can sometimes lead to a better understanding of your partner. And to do so, you need patience.
Not every situation requires a reprisal. Be patient. However, know when to react by being the opposite of patient. And when the situation you are in warrants that, do so within reasonable limits.
Thus, love is not just saying the words I love you. In order to love someone, it encompasses all the aforesaid amongst many others (which I'm yet to discover).
I'd like to end this post with a quote by Shane Parrish which he noted that, “If you want an amazing relationship with your partner, be an amazing partner”.
N.B. Perhaps you are wondering what someone who's in his early 20s know about love. Perhaps you've concluded that I'm not qualified to write on such topic. Who knows? I'm just trying to imagine what you're thinking right? Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I write because I have something to share with you. I know that I'm still young and I'm experiencing a lot of things. The most important part of it is that I'm sharing my experiences, thoughts and ideas with you so that we can all live a better life. As I'm doing so, I'm also learning a lot. So,the question is not whether I'm young to write on this topic or not. The question is, have I added value to you after reading this? Because as far as I am concerned that's what matters most.
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