#01 - Here's What You Need to Know About Arguments

Are you always arguing with people? Could it be you are trying to prove a point but no one seems to approve of your submission? Or is it because you find it hard to accept the views of others even if theirs is more convincing than yours.

Well, If that is the case, then you are in the right place. But before delving into the matter, what is an argument?

An argument is a discussion in which people share conflicting thoughts on a particular subject. It involves sharing ideas and views. In fact, well grounded arguments leaves the parties involved with new views and projections on the matter argued upon.

What are the kinds of arguments?
Out of personal evaluations, I believe arguments are of two types:

1.Constructive arguments: These are arguments which thrive on the basis of learning and exploration of new ideas. It is constructive because it is done objectively. People who argue constructively tend to do so factually and sensibly. At the end, both parties eventually walk away with a better understanding of the topic argued on.

2.Destructive arguments: Such arguments are established on ill-conceived grounds. In fact, it damages one's self esteem. People who express or share ideas in this manner are most likely going to end the argument in a violent manner. In every practical sense, such arguments should be disregarded. It yields nothing but anger, regret and controversial dramas, just to name a few

Why do people argue destructively?

“A man receives only what he is ready to receive, whether physically or intellectually or morally...”
— Henry David Thoreau

Every human being has a quality known as confirmation bias. This bias is a subconsciously guided mental activity that tends to filter any new idea or opinion we come across by contrasting it with our long held values.

People argue destructively because they find it hard to accept the opinions of others. This is manly because, our minds have a propensity to generally accept what correlates directly with our beliefs.

This explains why most individuals show a tendency to disagree with any new idea projected to them, even
before thinking, or analyzing to see whether it is true or not.

Our mindset or perceptions concerning our day-to-day encounters has a lot do with the way we argue with people. Open-minded individuals tend to argue constructively. On the other hand, those who have powerful beliefs with regard to their deep held values tend to lack open-mindedness and thus, often argue destructively.

Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, points out that these kinds of people have a fixed mindset. Individuals with a fixed mindset hold the belief that their views, thoughts and ideas concerning a particular subject are carved in a stone. They believe it cannot be changed even if there are facts enough to change the beliefs they hold.

In addition, apart from the effect of confirmation bias and having a fixed mindset, a neurotransmitter known as dopamine is also responsible for stimulating destructive arguments.

This neurotransmitter works hand-in-hand with your confirmation bias. Once your mind preconditions itself along a partciular belief, this neutransmitter reaffirms that belief by triggering the emotions in you.

For instance, if a person is engaged in an argument which doesn't corresponds with his beliefs, the person tends to feel threatened and unhappy. And if the reverse is the case, the person feels happy and not threatened—I suppose you've experienced so in one way or the other. If so, that's dopamine having its effect on you.

However, the effect of this neurotransmitter can be subdued by taking full charge of your conscious mind. Whenever you are on the verge of engaging in an unhealthy argument, try this.

Try to sift your beliefs and ideas concerning the subject argued upon through a consciously guided evaluation. By doing so, you get to know and understand if you're on the verge of starting a constructive or destructive argument.

Also, poor listening skills and poor choice of words are responsible for destructive arguments. Using words which do not suitably convey the message in your mind will yield nothing but negativity.

This, amongst many other reasons (including all the other ones mentioned above) spur destructive arguments.

But then, here's an underlying truth about arguments.

Most arguments end in a bad way. Such that, both parties end up walking away with feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment.

In fact, Dale Carnegie, the auther of How to Win Friends & Influence People observed that, “there is only one way...to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced  than ever that he is absolutely right.”

However, despite this assertion, I believe that arguments can be beneficial. New ideas or breakthroughs could be made through arguments. But that's only possible if done constructively.

Thus, finding ways to engage in healthy arguments is paramount if we truly want to reap the benefits of arguments.

How can you reap the full benefits of arguments?

The only way to reap the benefits of arguments is by arguing constructively.

And in order to do so, you must develop your listening skills. Not just listening skills, active listening skills.

Skills which enable you to listen attentively, ask probing questions and also think through the responses you have before dishing out your thoughts to the party involved in the discussion.

This approach, will reduce the rate at which arguments end in a bad manner.

Coupled with developing active listening skills is developing a habit of responding reasonably and sensibly to people. To achieve this, you must be careful with your choice of words.

For instance, instead of saying “Muhsin, all you said in this article doesn't make any sense,” you could save yourself a heated conversation by saying “Muhsin, I respect your point of view, but I don't entirely agree with your submissions.”

Such careful selection of words makes the other party feel comfortable and less threatened. And as such, the argument is built on positive grounds.

Remember, don't be the kind of person who disagrees irresponsibly by condemning others outrightly. Learn to develop subtle measures of disagreeing with people. Otherwise, you will destroy the good relationships you have with people.

Dale Carnegie noted that, “Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Yes. This is it. This is the mindset you should carry along always. Try as much as possible to resonate your thoughts along this quote by being open-minded to all the people you encounter in your life.

Believe me, it will have lots of positive impact on your relationships. Try it and you'll thank me later.